˚₊‧꒰ა [entry 02] the only costume i’m wearing is a shell of my former self

♡ I miss the girl that I once was. You would’ve loved her. ♡

(cred on pinterest)

…Just a side note that I’m pretty jolly on Halloween. I just thought this title was pretty cool.

For a very strange reason (strange because I cannot both explain it or put my finger on why I do it), I set my expectations high on Halloween. I assume it’s because the fall season makes me feel a certain way, with new beginnings as leaves drop, or because our school reaches its peak for the academic year (which is oddly early?), but those assumptions are nothing if not a little stupid. So maybe my high expectations for Halloween are just intuitive.

Every year, I expect Halloween to be a magical, solve-most-of-my-problems holiday, the same way you’d assume it’d be for New Year’s. On that day, I’m more than a month away from being a year older, midterm grades are revealed to me (a very panicked junior), and it’d be only two months until the following year.

Maybe I still hold onto high expectations for the sake of keeping this tradition for myself. The girl back then would’ve loved to be in the shoes that I am in now.

This Halloween, I want to put on makeup and a silly outfit and pretend to be her. Pretend to be the person I once was because on Halloween, no one will ask. It’s an inside joke between you and me, but maybe only me, and I will laugh at it. This Halloween, I’ll go to a random house party and pretend I'm living the life I wanted to live if I'd been a more mature person. I’ll act in character, as I once did: laugh politely, stay shielded, and let somebody do the talking. On Halloween, I think I could, for one night, make the wrong decisions that I deluded myself enough to think were right.

For one night, I can be anybody but myself. In some twisted sense, I’d argue that ’s a little sardonic. And yet here I am, zipping up the skin that belonged to my former self.

tried, tested, and truly yours,

riter rabbit.